There a thousand reasons why The “Toilet” Saga is one of the worst
things to grace modern literature and cinema (except perhaps its adult
counterpart, 50 Shades of Gray…
blech!) I could discuss the forced love triangle, the absolutely appalling and immature writing of Stephenie Meyer, how any potentially cool secondary character is ‘eclipsed’
by Bella, Shovel-face, and whiny-wolf. I could go into how the books are filled
with ideals gone wrong, a poorly constructed fantasy world that consistently contradicts
itself, dysfunctional/incestuous family values, or the cringe-inducing inner monologue... Yet, there is one aspect that is more annoying than all of these
things combined (if you can imagine that). The worst thing crime writer can commit, writing in the voice and style of Mary Sue.
So who is Mary Sue and what does she have to do with Twilight? The definition of Mary Sue as
given by wisegeek.com is very well put. It states:
A Mary Sue is a
character in a work of fiction who exists primarily for the purpose of
wish-fulfillment on the part of the author. She plays a prominent role in the
work, but she is notably devoid of flaws or a complex personality, and she
usually represents the pinnacle of idealized perfection. All of the other
characters love Mary Sue, because she is extraordinarily helpful, talented,
beautiful, or unusual, and she often drives readers absolutely crazy because
she is one-dimensional and too idealized to be realistic. The male equivalent
of a Mary Sue is a Gary Stu.
Stephenie Meyer
may in fact be the biggest offender of Mary Sue writing of all time. Her Mary
Sue is Bella Swan.
First of all, I’m into good, meaningful names for characters,
Isabella and Swan are both beautiful names, but how pretentious is it to name
your main character something that means beautiful swan? Seriously.
Bella is essentially the world’s most boring teenage
girl and somehow she gets a vampire- a guy who’s been alive for over 100 years
and seen everything- to fall obsessively in love with her. I mean this guy has
over a century of culture, intelligence, and experience and for some reason he
just can’t get enough of Bella. But if that weren't enough, oh no, another
mythical creature- a werewolf with abs of steel- ALSO is obsessively in love
with her too. Oh dear, she has TWO hot, magical men who love her. What’s a
girl to do?
But Mary Sue doesn’t stop there, she’s hungry for more. Bella
is also the only human who somehow is resilient to any vampire’s powers…
convenient. She gets to finally marry Edward and before she becomes a vampire,
she gets to have a child, which is supposed to be impossible for vampires, but
she’s Bella so she has to be allowed at least one child, right? So after the
gut-busting, alien birth of Renesmee (her daughter who is more beautiful
and enchanting than anyone ever, of course), Bella gets to become an immortal vampire. She
gets to be 18 forever. She gets super strength and power and gets to be even
MORE beautiful than she was before and glimmer in the sunlight. She gets to be
a part of the Cullen family who seem to have money coming out their rear ends. They make her and Edward the perfect dream cottage filled with Pottery Barn’s
entire fall collection. 
But wait, there's more… did I mention that since she is a
vampire now, she and Edward get to have endless, amazing vampire sex because vampires
stay hot, young, and beautiful forever and never get tired? However, this makes
no rational sense because in Meyer’s world vampires don’t have blood, a pulse,
or beating hearts. I'm no science and anatomy expert, but last time I checked blood coursing through your body is the means by which you can become sexually aroused, so therefore how can Meyer's vampires even have intercourse? An awkward thought, but seriously, she didn't even consider that before going into pages and pages of vampire softcore porn?
Renesmee will become full-grown by the time 7 years have
passed. She grows incredibly fast and therefore Bella and Edward don’t have to
deal with diapers and late nights for more than a few months… convenient…again. They feared she would grow too fast and die, but some random tribal people
from Brazil appear out of nowhere and let her know that her child will get to
live to be at least 150 years old, if not older, so she gets to have her
precious Renesmee forever too. Convenient… again…
Bella’s impervious-ness to vampire powers makes her what's known as a “shield”
so even if they get attacked she will always be able to magically shield those
she loves. Also, Bella gets “super self-control” meaning that though she’s a ravenous
newborn vampire, she miraculously can fight the urge to rip human throats, and
because of this she can still have a relationship with her human dad and mom.
Convenient… AGAIN…
*Side Note: Bella’s dad, Charlie, is the best character in
the whole series. Team Mustache-Dad!
Stephenie Meyer is the age of most of her readers, who are
in fact not teenage girls but women 30-50 who want to relive their teenage
fantasies through the vessel of the mighty Mary Sue. It’s quite sad, really. Not that older people can’t enjoy young adult fiction, I personally
do, but it’s just bad writing and story development. If you are an aspiring writer, like me, let this be a message for us all. Stay away from Mary Sue!
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